Fracking...or Fruiting?

Recently in the news, you might have heard a lot about fracking. This is short for hydraulic fracture stimulation, which is a method oil and gas companies use to extract natural resources from the ground. A hole is drilled into the earth, a cement tube led down that hole, and water is pumped in to create fractures in the rock, releasing all kinds of natural gas.

Although this enlightened freethinker has reservations about trusting any word that has an fra combo in its spelling, fracking seemed okay at first. And then I took a look at the bigger picture. This picture, actually.

The man pictured above is Rex W. Tillerson, CEO of ExxonMobil Corp., a company that takes advantage of fracking. At first glance, he seems like any other CEO of a top 10 Fortune 500 company. But take a closer look, and you'll find an inconvenient truth. 

This man is actually an orange in disguise as a man. Its real name is Fonzy Snonen, of the Anoni tribe in southern England. A credible source has informed me that Snozen left the Anoni after a ruining an important tribal ritual known as the Asoeie, in which fruits take to the streets and cause chaos. Snonen allegedly allowed the terrified people to pay for mercy, and when his brethren found out, they ejected Snonen.

Furthermore, almost 50% of the ingredients of fracking according to this chart are unidentified. Unidentified? More like unidentifruit. That's right, that big red blob stands for 100% all natural grape juice. As you probably know, fellow freethinkers, the grape is the lowest in the fruity hierarchy.

It is highly suspicious that the majority outside of that belongs to hydrochloric acid, a very strong acid. You might wonder what a bunch of oil companies might be doing with something so dangerous. The answer? Torture. My grandfather used to say to me, "Where there's fruits, you can be sure the Illuminati are hiding somewhere." The 7th most common torture device used by the Illuminati is, of course, dripping acid on the victim until they give up their secrets or die. Which acid is used? You guessed it: hydrochloric acid.

So before you turn on the gas this winter, let's take a thought about what's bringing you that oil, and focus on cutting off one of the fruits' most crucial financial providers. We can sour them rotten if we just turn off our heat this winter. Put in a fireplace. Use coal. Use wood. Anything you can do to stop them will aid in our everlasting war on the fruits.