Is the Illuminati real?

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There's been a lot of people that have sent me questions about the Illuminati, and whether or not it's real. I've provided a lot of evidence, and a lot of people have said that it's wrong or not true or not really proof of the Illuminati. I've spent my whole life trying to discover the secrets of the Illuminati, and this is what I have found out:

I don't know. But what I do know is that there are real problems that are facing us today. You've passed people that have it in the streets. You might have sat next to a guy with it on the bus the other day, and not even known. One of your closest friends could be struggling with it every day, and you don't even know.

I'm talking about depression. It's a serious problem that many Americans today don't really understand. Everyone's failed a test or lost their phone or something and had a bad day, but you woke up the next day, or your friend invites you over to their house, and soon you're feeling fine. Your problem or situation might be tough, but you have hope and determination to get through it eventually.

Depression is different. It's not the extreme sadness that people say it is. It's when you feel empty inside, and you can't get through your problems because you can't even say what they are. A good friend I have who struggled with depression when he was in high school said that "Everybody feels sad when bad things happen. People who have depression feel sad when good things happen, too. When I read an article online for the first time that really outlined depression, I realized that I had it. I didn't feel sad about it. I just kind of said, 'Huh.'"

If you think your friend or somebody you know is struggling then try to talk to them. Even saying hi can change their day and make them feel a little better. If you or a friend has suicidal thoughts, please be sure to call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1 (800) 273-8255 or go to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

Photographic Evidence

There are other people who have sent in evidence that the Illuminati is all around us. Here are some photos sent in by fans who wanted to show the truth. Each of them has been mailed 5$ worth of candy that I found in the bushes in my yard like a month ago.

This is a rare log from the Amazon Rainforest. The fruits bioengineered this breakdancing log, and with the help of the Illuminati sent them all over the world. The streets are never safe while this menace walks alongside us on them. --Ben Dover

This cat has been of kidnapped by fruits. They were capturing cat to for steal his 7 lives that the legends are telling us about. The Illuminati are into friends with the fruits, and have told them to want do look more like.--Ivan Skrszkrzkrz

This is a bunch of balconies. As you can see, all but one of them have a broom. Coincidence? I think not.--Mike Hock

Secret notes taken from a high-level fruit official

The fruits and Illuminati are obviously not of this world. According to some notes found by Mike Hock in Britain, they are from a planet about four miles away from our own. They have used secret fruity invisibility spells to conceal it from our eyes. However, they don't know much about Earth--here's a lot of things they think are true you can take advantage of in order to pull the wool over their eyes in a pinch. These have been translated from French to Italian, from Italian to Portuguese, from Portuguese back into French, from French into Swedish, and from Swedish into English.

• Bathtubs can be used as boats in a pinch
• Never look at a carton of orange juice. It says "concentrate" on it, and you'll have to keep staring at it to blend in with normal people
• Another word for jet ski is "boatercycle"
• If somebody says "it's chili outside," bring a bowl, chili is a very popular Earth food
• Laser hair removal is when robots get their laser hair removed
• Need to take the 44? Take the 22 twice--22 times 2 is equal to 44
• Beware when eating the popular Earth snack, M&M's. If one has a W instead of an M, it is poisonous
• Bring a large spoon to the Superbowl--it's more than super

Lists of organizations under Illuminati control, and proof behind each one

Here is a list of common businesses, organizations, and even countries under Illuminati control. Be really careful not to associate with any of these groups.

• Little Caesar's Pizza--Obviously, the word Illuminati is Latin for "the enlightened ones." Julius Caesar, the first Roman emperor, is the namesake of this pizzeria. Inside of the sauce is the hopes and dreams of mankind, crushed by the fruits.
• Fruit of the Loom--Need I say any more? The electrical looms that this company uses are designed and operated by fruits.
• Eminem/Slim Shady--This famous singer's birthday is October 17, or 12/17. 12+17=39. 9/3=3. Three is the number of the Illuminati. Not convinced? Eminem's biggest song is Lose Yourself, by Eminem. The most famous line of this song is "mom's spaghetti." Spaghetti is usually covered in tomato sauce, made, of course, with tomatoes, a kind of simple fruit.
• Beavers--The beaver is an animal that chews trees until they fall, then it constructs little hollowed out dams in the middle of rivers to live in. Look at the word "tree." The Ancient Fruitese word for beaver was bheaver, which eventually influenced English. What happened to the H? The beavers transplanted it into the word "tree" to form another word--three. The number of the Illuminati. Those big-teeth buttholes ruined everything.
• Jim Carrey and Mariah Carrey--Secret twins, separated at birth, are both agents of the Illuminati. Note how both of them have the exact same last name, yet you're not 100% sure whether they're twins or not. They are--the Illuminati have methods to make twins look very different in order to disguise them. 
• The letter L--This one is serious business. Take two L's, and form a square with them. L is the 12th letter in the alphabet, so divide 12 by the four sides of a square to get 3--the number of the Illuminati.

Secret message in Fruit Language intercepted--please contact me if you can translate this! The fate of humanity hinges in the balance!

Sfuna ni snifi snusu sna sfifasisi. Sina sasu snusfu nanin. Sunsnasi si sisfasini sasa? Fisfu snisisansani fusa sani safasu sasi sasnisifani sni. Sifusa faf sfafuf nafusnisa susisfani si. Nafasa fusisis nisasif snisfi sasi snasufa. Fa su sasini susnisa fusas snasu. Fa nisis su sisu sanasu nifis. Nisfa susina sfusi na sfusa snu sunusa. Fi sunu sisi fusi sni suninas. Nininis nisfasa snasfa snisfu sini. Snufufnus suna sifanafanif susfu sasifnusi. Sisu ni sisfin nif nana sfasa. Nuna fi fa safa sini! Sasufi sinasa nusnasa nuna nisa nifu. Fisfa sa si snusa sasi susisu. Nisfu finus sufsa ni nusunususna susfa. Sisu fafna suf susa fasusasi nisusnasu nisi. Na snusanu sun nan! Susnana sinafun fa. Ssifa fifan sisinusuna safasnisu susi nasa si sa sfi fufu? Nasa nafi sifasa sfi sasnisifsni. Safa sasufu. Nananan sasfisi sasufun nisaf fifus nis. Fasina! Fasnana sana nasun nasa. Fusanisin su sna nini fusisa nasfisi! Sisuni snasu sa snasi sasusi nisusfani. Nafi fanaf fanasi nasun sa ni susus nisnu. Nasas nani fasu sasa nafi.

What if people are so concerned with freedom because we were trapped in our mom's tummy for 9 months and we never want to have that situation again?

We're back after a botanical break, and it's time to learn more about the enemy. Remember how you thought that fruits were just fruits? Think again. Brainwashed, pro-fruit scientists have identified several kinds of fruits, and here's some important ones you'll need to know about so that you can protect yourself.

Firstly, a fruit isn't the thing you think it is. From a scientific point of view, a fruit is a part of a plant that helps disperse seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds.

A berry, such as the blueberry, is a fleshy, thin-skinned fruit. Grapes and even avocados are berries, so watch out. Note that the strawberry, despite its name, is not a berry, because the seeds are on the outside and not on the inside. The best way to kill a berry for good is to douse it in lots and lots of salt mixed with the powdery stuff you find on Sour Patch Kids.

Next is the pepo, which is like a berry but with a thick skin that we call a rind. Pumpkins and watermelons are both a kind of pepo. The best way to protect yourself is to smash the rind with a hammer, heavy stick, or a chair.

Another kind of fruit is the hesperidium, which rhymes with mesteridium. It is like a pepo but with a leathery skin. All citrus fruits are examples, like oranges and limes and the loquacious lemon. The best offense is a good defense--citrus fruits really sting if you get them in your eyes. Because the normal writer of this blog gets vivid flashbacks due to previous citrus trauma, his friend Bill wrote this. 

A pome is a fruit with a core surrounded by a fleshy tissue for a skin that's edible. It's different from a berry because the seeds in a pome are inside the core, but berries have them right in the flesh. Apples and pears are famous kinds of pome. 

The deadly, dangerous drupe, or stone fruit, is a fruit with a hard stone around the seed. Usually this stone is called a pit. Peaches and olives are both kinds of drupes. Have you ever bought almonds from the supermarket? If you shop at one, it's more like a stupormarket.

The Illuminati have thousands of plants that take an almond fruit, and remove the pit. By selling you this pit, which they claim isn't a fruit, they are able to further penetrate the food industry with our fructoid foes.