Secret notes taken from a high-level fruit official

The fruits and Illuminati are obviously not of this world. According to some notes found by Mike Hock in Britain, they are from a planet about four miles away from our own. They have used secret fruity invisibility spells to conceal it from our eyes. However, they don't know much about Earth--here's a lot of things they think are true you can take advantage of in order to pull the wool over their eyes in a pinch. These have been translated from French to Italian, from Italian to Portuguese, from Portuguese back into French, from French into Swedish, and from Swedish into English.

• Bathtubs can be used as boats in a pinch
• Never look at a carton of orange juice. It says "concentrate" on it, and you'll have to keep staring at it to blend in with normal people
• Another word for jet ski is "boatercycle"
• If somebody says "it's chili outside," bring a bowl, chili is a very popular Earth food
• Laser hair removal is when robots get their laser hair removed
• Need to take the 44? Take the 22 twice--22 times 2 is equal to 44
• Beware when eating the popular Earth snack, M&M's. If one has a W instead of an M, it is poisonous
• Bring a large spoon to the Superbowl--it's more than super

Lists of organizations under Illuminati control, and proof behind each one

Here is a list of common businesses, organizations, and even countries under Illuminati control. Be really careful not to associate with any of these groups.

• Little Caesar's Pizza--Obviously, the word Illuminati is Latin for "the enlightened ones." Julius Caesar, the first Roman emperor, is the namesake of this pizzeria. Inside of the sauce is the hopes and dreams of mankind, crushed by the fruits.
• Fruit of the Loom--Need I say any more? The electrical looms that this company uses are designed and operated by fruits.
• Eminem/Slim Shady--This famous singer's birthday is October 17, or 12/17. 12+17=39. 9/3=3. Three is the number of the Illuminati. Not convinced? Eminem's biggest song is Lose Yourself, by Eminem. The most famous line of this song is "mom's spaghetti." Spaghetti is usually covered in tomato sauce, made, of course, with tomatoes, a kind of simple fruit.
• Beavers--The beaver is an animal that chews trees until they fall, then it constructs little hollowed out dams in the middle of rivers to live in. Look at the word "tree." The Ancient Fruitese word for beaver was bheaver, which eventually influenced English. What happened to the H? The beavers transplanted it into the word "tree" to form another word--three. The number of the Illuminati. Those big-teeth buttholes ruined everything.
• Jim Carrey and Mariah Carrey--Secret twins, separated at birth, are both agents of the Illuminati. Note how both of them have the exact same last name, yet you're not 100% sure whether they're twins or not. They are--the Illuminati have methods to make twins look very different in order to disguise them. 
• The letter L--This one is serious business. Take two L's, and form a square with them. L is the 12th letter in the alphabet, so divide 12 by the four sides of a square to get 3--the number of the Illuminati.

Secret message in Fruit Language intercepted--please contact me if you can translate this! The fate of humanity hinges in the balance!

Sfuna ni snifi snusu sna sfifasisi. Sina sasu snusfu nanin. Sunsnasi si sisfasini sasa? Fisfu snisisansani fusa sani safasu sasi sasnisifani sni. Sifusa faf sfafuf nafusnisa susisfani si. Nafasa fusisis nisasif snisfi sasi snasufa. Fa su sasini susnisa fusas snasu. Fa nisis su sisu sanasu nifis. Nisfa susina sfusi na sfusa snu sunusa. Fi sunu sisi fusi sni suninas. Nininis nisfasa snasfa snisfu sini. Snufufnus suna sifanafanif susfu sasifnusi. Sisu ni sisfin nif nana sfasa. Nuna fi fa safa sini! Sasufi sinasa nusnasa nuna nisa nifu. Fisfa sa si snusa sasi susisu. Nisfu finus sufsa ni nusunususna susfa. Sisu fafna suf susa fasusasi nisusnasu nisi. Na snusanu sun nan! Susnana sinafun fa. Ssifa fifan sisinusuna safasnisu susi nasa si sa sfi fufu? Nasa nafi sifasa sfi sasnisifsni. Safa sasufu. Nananan sasfisi sasufun nisaf fifus nis. Fasina! Fasnana sana nasun nasa. Fusanisin su sna nini fusisa nasfisi! Sisuni snasu sa snasi sasusi nisusfani. Nafi fanaf fanasi nasun sa ni susus nisnu. Nasas nani fasu sasa nafi.

What if people are so concerned with freedom because we were trapped in our mom's tummy for 9 months and we never want to have that situation again?

We're back after a botanical break, and it's time to learn more about the enemy. Remember how you thought that fruits were just fruits? Think again. Brainwashed, pro-fruit scientists have identified several kinds of fruits, and here's some important ones you'll need to know about so that you can protect yourself.

Firstly, a fruit isn't the thing you think it is. From a scientific point of view, a fruit is a part of a plant that helps disperse seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds so that other plants can grow and make their own fruits to disperse their own seeds.

A berry, such as the blueberry, is a fleshy, thin-skinned fruit. Grapes and even avocados are berries, so watch out. Note that the strawberry, despite its name, is not a berry, because the seeds are on the outside and not on the inside. The best way to kill a berry for good is to douse it in lots and lots of salt mixed with the powdery stuff you find on Sour Patch Kids.

Next is the pepo, which is like a berry but with a thick skin that we call a rind. Pumpkins and watermelons are both a kind of pepo. The best way to protect yourself is to smash the rind with a hammer, heavy stick, or a chair.

Another kind of fruit is the hesperidium, which rhymes with mesteridium. It is like a pepo but with a leathery skin. All citrus fruits are examples, like oranges and limes and the loquacious lemon. The best offense is a good defense--citrus fruits really sting if you get them in your eyes. Because the normal writer of this blog gets vivid flashbacks due to previous citrus trauma, his friend Bill wrote this. 

A pome is a fruit with a core surrounded by a fleshy tissue for a skin that's edible. It's different from a berry because the seeds in a pome are inside the core, but berries have them right in the flesh. Apples and pears are famous kinds of pome. 

The deadly, dangerous drupe, or stone fruit, is a fruit with a hard stone around the seed. Usually this stone is called a pit. Peaches and olives are both kinds of drupes. Have you ever bought almonds from the supermarket? If you shop at one, it's more like a stupormarket.

The Illuminati have thousands of plants that take an almond fruit, and remove the pit. By selling you this pit, which they claim isn't a fruit, they are able to further penetrate the food industry with our fructoid foes. 

Today I'm going to teach you about the most disgusting part of the fructose society--the seasons of sacrifice. To mask their true motives, the fruits pretend to be simple foodstuffs for people to enjoy. However, there are several ways that we can prove that this isn't the case.

You may have realized that often, stores will not sell fruits during certain times of the year. This is because of a system the fruits call Anafsoi, which loosely translates to "happy death" in the Fruit Language. As any enlightened freethinker such as myself knows, Anafsoi is the way the fruits determine which are "in season."

Fruits obviously grow all year long. However, if they sold their bodies to our produce sections, their numbers would dwindle quicker than a banana falling from a tree. Instead, they pretend that during some parts of the year they aren't able to grow, so that they can increase their numbers. During this time, they are actually not only breeding, but conducting an important ceremony called the Anifsy. Not much is known about it, but there's a few ways you can tell the ceremony is going on in your neighborhood, as well as how to stop it.

• There's a lot of dogs, especially chihuahuas. The chihuahua is named after the sovereign state Chihuahua in Mexico, which is home to ursus americanus, the American black bear. Why would an American bear be in Mexico?!?!? This just reeks of the Illuminati.
• There's a post office that has three or fewer exits. This is the most common place to hold the Anifsy, because four doors could let in too many of the spirits the fruits fear.
• The exception is for a north-facing door, according to the fruity religion the spirits cannot walk south
• Season rhymes with treason. Need I say any more?
• Plumbers are a sure sign that there's some Illuminati activity in your area.

Please stay safe, and stay Illuminati and fruit free. If you feel the urge to consort with or eat either a fruit or a member of the Illuminati, please go to www.seinfeldbass.com to get help.

Fracking...or Fruiting?

Recently in the news, you might have heard a lot about fracking. This is short for hydraulic fracture stimulation, which is a method oil and gas companies use to extract natural resources from the ground. A hole is drilled into the earth, a cement tube led down that hole, and water is pumped in to create fractures in the rock, releasing all kinds of natural gas.

Although this enlightened freethinker has reservations about trusting any word that has an fra combo in its spelling, fracking seemed okay at first. And then I took a look at the bigger picture. This picture, actually.

The man pictured above is Rex W. Tillerson, CEO of ExxonMobil Corp., a company that takes advantage of fracking. At first glance, he seems like any other CEO of a top 10 Fortune 500 company. But take a closer look, and you'll find an inconvenient truth. 

This man is actually an orange in disguise as a man. Its real name is Fonzy Snonen, of the Anoni tribe in southern England. A credible source has informed me that Snozen left the Anoni after a ruining an important tribal ritual known as the Asoeie, in which fruits take to the streets and cause chaos. Snonen allegedly allowed the terrified people to pay for mercy, and when his brethren found out, they ejected Snonen.

Furthermore, almost 50% of the ingredients of fracking according to this chart are unidentified. Unidentified? More like unidentifruit. That's right, that big red blob stands for 100% all natural grape juice. As you probably know, fellow freethinkers, the grape is the lowest in the fruity hierarchy.

It is highly suspicious that the majority outside of that belongs to hydrochloric acid, a very strong acid. You might wonder what a bunch of oil companies might be doing with something so dangerous. The answer? Torture. My grandfather used to say to me, "Where there's fruits, you can be sure the Illuminati are hiding somewhere." The 7th most common torture device used by the Illuminati is, of course, dripping acid on the victim until they give up their secrets or die. Which acid is used? You guessed it: hydrochloric acid.

So before you turn on the gas this winter, let's take a thought about what's bringing you that oil, and focus on cutting off one of the fruits' most crucial financial providers. We can sour them rotten if we just turn off our heat this winter. Put in a fireplace. Use coal. Use wood. Anything you can do to stop them will aid in our everlasting war on the fruits.