Today I'm going to teach you about the most disgusting part of the fructose society--the seasons of sacrifice. To mask their true motives, the fruits pretend to be simple foodstuffs for people to enjoy. However, there are several ways that we can prove that this isn't the case.

You may have realized that often, stores will not sell fruits during certain times of the year. This is because of a system the fruits call Anafsoi, which loosely translates to "happy death" in the Fruit Language. As any enlightened freethinker such as myself knows, Anafsoi is the way the fruits determine which are "in season."

Fruits obviously grow all year long. However, if they sold their bodies to our produce sections, their numbers would dwindle quicker than a banana falling from a tree. Instead, they pretend that during some parts of the year they aren't able to grow, so that they can increase their numbers. During this time, they are actually not only breeding, but conducting an important ceremony called the Anifsy. Not much is known about it, but there's a few ways you can tell the ceremony is going on in your neighborhood, as well as how to stop it.

• There's a lot of dogs, especially chihuahuas. The chihuahua is named after the sovereign state Chihuahua in Mexico, which is home to ursus americanus, the American black bear. Why would an American bear be in Mexico?!?!? This just reeks of the Illuminati.
• There's a post office that has three or fewer exits. This is the most common place to hold the Anifsy, because four doors could let in too many of the spirits the fruits fear.
• The exception is for a north-facing door, according to the fruity religion the spirits cannot walk south
• Season rhymes with treason. Need I say any more?
• Plumbers are a sure sign that there's some Illuminati activity in your area.

Please stay safe, and stay Illuminati and fruit free. If you feel the urge to consort with or eat either a fruit or a member of the Illuminati, please go to www.seinfeldbass.com to get help.